House Rules | Creation | If Only | How Dogs are Better Than Men |
Letter to a Small Hotel Owner | Genie Grants 3 Wishes
Home | Next

House Rules

The dog is not allowed in the house.

Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
The dog can get on the old furniture only.
Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
Author Unknown

 

Creation

On the first day, God created the Dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

Author Unknown

 

If Only

If only my dog had stood on his stand,
When I gave him the signal: A move of one hand.

If only he'd stayed on the one minute sit.
Instead of deciding that 50 seconds was it.

A figure 8 perfect, I could almost boast;
If only he'd gone round the other post.

If only he'd dropped on the signal I gave,
And not when he saw the spectator wave.

The retrieve on the flat - he knew what to do;
If only he'd brought back the dumbbell I threw.

The high jump retrieve - the only thing he lacked,
And that dumbbell he didn't bring back.

On the broad jump, if only he'd jumped all the way,
and not tiptoed between to my utter dismay.

When I signaled the glove it was there in plain sight;
If only he'd gone for the glove that was right.

His go-out was perfect - he just went so far;
If only he hadn't both times jumped the bar.

We'd have had a 200 - he could do everything,
If only he hadn't run out of the ring.

Author Unknown

 

How Dogs are Better Than Men

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you--except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the really worse disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Where Men are Better Than Dogs

Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Men don't eat turds on the sly.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men don't molt as much, and if they do, they hide it.
It's fun to dry off a wet man.

How Dogs and Men are The Same

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Neither does any dishes.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Author Unknown

 

 LETTER TO A SMALL HOTEL OWNER:

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he
planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner who said :

"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bed clothes or silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Author Unknown

 

 Genie Grants 3 Wishes

An old lady and her dog, Duke, are sitting in the garden,
when all at once a genie appears.
"You may have three wishes" he says.
"Well, I'd love to be young and beautiful" --'poof!' (young and beautiful)
"I'd like to be rich and live in a great house" -- 'poof' (rich)
"I'd like Duke here to turn into a man and live with me always
-- 'poof!' (Duke is a handsome man)

The genie disappears --- Duke turns to the lady and says,
"Bet you wish you hadn't neutered me"
Author Unknown